More healing… of a more dramatic nature

Don’t you love how God doesn’t leave us how we are and moves in us and cleans us and heals us.  step by step.  slowly and subtly sometimes.  dramatically at others.

A couple months ago I got an opportunity to go to the first teaching night of a 24/7  BURN.  It was amazing.  I came hungry to lose myself and embrace Jesus in that evening.  Words were spoken over me.  The Holy Spirit was upon me and moving in me and bubbling out of me.  It was lovely.  glorious.

At one point the leader had us pray for our neighbor that God would fill us with His love.  As my friend came to pray for me, she said that though it sounded strange God wanted her to pull something out of my mouth.  So I opened up… still full of absolute joy.  As soon as she began the motion of pulling, hand over hand, something out of me, I began sobbing and had to fight the urge to spit on the church’s carpet… It didn’t take too long.  Then she said now open and lets pour God’s love into you.

What amazing love and cleansing did He bring!!  WOW… what a difference it has been.  The power of anger has been BROKEN over me.  There are still habits to change, and some days are hard.  I am a mother of four and pregnant in the 1st trimester and we are moving and in much transition… it is LIFE after all!  I have much still to mature and change and grow in… but it seems POSSIBLE now, because the stronghold is gone.  The demonic presence has fled.  And in its place, the love of God is growing.

Had I heard someone share this to me a few years ago I wouldn’t have known what to think… how is that possible for a believer.  Was I possessed?  no.  I was not possessed.  But there were was an area in my life, because of sin… fear, I believe, in this case that gave the enemy permission to stay and ‘latch on’.  I can’t explain it really well, but it happened.

All glory and honor to God, who is the victor over the enemy, who will reveal the root of sin in our lives if we ask and are willing to make the journey to His healing!!

A Spiritual Cry

That is an understatement, actually.  The last couple months life has been getting progressively harder.  More emotional and deeper down days and more sporadic anger (that sounds mild to the reality) and less hope.  Lies in my mind overcoming the truth that I was trying to whisper  back to it.  Knowing I needed more time to myself to think and renew.  (I think when you get to the stage that you get butterflies in your tummy and feel mildly tipsy and giddy when you get to leave the house with no littlies – maybe its a sign…).

Then a close friend had her baby prematurely, and her experience started mirroring ours… and I cried off and on for the next three days.

THEN I started talking to Bryan one night.  and crying.  and sobbing.  and wailing.  and travailing.  It was not of this world… it was like I was birthing something bad out of me.  Almost like I wasn’t part of the whole experience.

And since then… over a week now… life is great!  The hope is back.   The joy is back.  My sanity is back!!!

For God has not given us a spirit of FEAR… but of power, of love and of a sound mind!!!

Thank you Jesus!!

A New Direction

or something like that.  Our lives.  Our home school.  Our parenting.  It’s bending in a new direction, though we are unsure exactly where that is going.

Our lives… trying to sell the house.  SO looking forward to less space and less stuff.  Moving to Australia in September or October.  Becoming more ‘green’ – more natural, more local, more organic, less pre-prepared food, less medicine.  Talking about Australia in using the trains system and buying bikes for everyone.  Finding all the local places for raw milk, meat, eggs, honey, veggies and fruit… self sustaining… though that is so far off its hardly a dream 🙂

Our home school… less school.  more life.  practical.  including them in our lives in the kitchen in the workshop (which we don’t have, but you get the idea).  more thinking.  more opportunities.  less planning. less tv and screen time.  less superheroes (is that possible – i think that is only my goal :)) more learning in context and interest led.

Our parenting… more positive. less punitive. more imaginative. less power struggle. more listening. less talking. more respect and honor all round. beginning with us.  more lead by example.  more family worship and family study and family learning.  Family meetings.  more follow through and consistency. more joy.

Its been happening a long time.  But now it feels like it is the both of us adults, not just me blabbing away and Bryan saying, sure, sounds great!

The next question we are dealing with.  Will I get dreads or not?  I have wanted them for a long time.  Bryan thinks its great.  We’ll see.

New Year. New Word.

I got this idea last year from Ali Edwards. One word.  A word that sums up the focus of this coming year.  Goals and visions or self, family, projects. Last year’s word… I chose…

2009 – Peace

Or let your word choose you, which seems to be what has happened for me this year…

2010 – Joy

Well, I’ve discovered I am no longer an optimist… its buried under self-hatred and fear.  So today begins the year of JOY!  Which will be kicked off with a word study to see what Heavenly Father has to say about JOY in my life.

• I recently read “The Joyful Intercessor” by Beni Johnson.  Wonderful book.

• I’ve begun my Endless Gifts List… gratitude being a sure way to experience more of His joy…

• I will choose to smile more every day, whether I feel too tired or not!!

• I will laugh and joke and play with my children, as would have been my nature a few years ago.

And maybe I’ll blog about it… 🙂  No promises.

Time Management 1

“The hassle with being a better manager of your time is making the decisions about what is now most important and what is no longer as important.  But if you will ask God what He’d remove if it were His life, He would gladly tell you.” Bob & Michael Benson,  Disciplines for the Inner Life

The question then is… am I ready to ask and LISTEN to the answer?

The birthdays…

not much inspiring here… just some information for my ‘journaling’ purposes, if you can call it that! We’ve had a string of good days with Shand (if you can call three a string 🙂 ) I think we are FINALLY settling in. The day before bryan went back to work I was FREAKING out.  turns out, every day has been great. Tiring, even exhausting, but great, nonetheless.  Turns out what really makes me stress is FEAR, not the actual circumstances of the day. THIS POST from Conversion Diary is changing my days.  Actually, God is changing my days, using this post that pinpointed the root of my sin.

Anyway, I’m not feeling terribly inspired, beyond getting through the day with relatively healthy meals, and carrying out life with joy and intentionally loving and touching my children.  And enjoying our unseasonably warm spring.  Its bliss, really!!  Green and SUNNY!  Already more sunshine than there was ALL of last summer!!

Here’s a few pics…

This is a regular pose for Shand… kissing, leaning over to touch the baby’s head with hers, stuffing the pacifier in her mouth and talking REALLY close to her face.

Three weeks… growing and getting fat! 🙂

Thad’s birthday… we’ve never done the park thing before… its never been this nice and warm and sunny and DRY in May.  the grass was still too wet for them to run in, but the playground was dry.  Bryan was my hero.  my HERO.  He went shopping the morning of to get the gift.  He made the cake, convincing Thad he wanted a dump truck cake (as in the dirt in the back of his toy truck) and not an excavator cake crafted and shaped and decorated by me. And then he made the cake.  and crushed the oreos.  I DID make the chocolate pudding though!  And made a second cake when I decided one wasn’t enough. (We are eating the second one this week.  One was MORE than enough!! )  All while I sat and cried and nursed and fought post partum depression and struggled through the pain of nursing and a bad back.  It was a beautiful day, and the kids had a blast at the park, and my boy is SIX!!

Shand… singing Happy Birthday (her new favorite song… it found its way into her prayer the other night! 🙂 ) Bryan, again, speaking some sense into me and encouraging me to not go over the top for the birthday ideas!!  I made the cake with PEANUT oil… oops… it was a party for a 2 yr old, with little ones there, who are allergy prone… so I made ANOTHER cake… the frosting couldn’t have butter in it, which is fine, but it is VERy hard to frost with non-buttercream icing.  We were going to do a whole bunch of butterflies… but as each butterfly took about 15 minutes to frost and decorate, I shifted to cupcakes with a flower on top after we had enough for each of her friends.  (or the little girls of mommy’s friends!)

Hugging a new stuffed toy from our DEAR FRIENDS in INDIANA!!! we miss you!!  Every time I make wacky cake I think of Nolah!

Holding her baby doll in her new sling that my mom made her.  Along with the sweetest little apron!!

Then that afternoon, after more cooking, we trekked out Wasilla, leaving a messy kitchen and the house a wreck, to go celebrate Mother’s Day and have more Shand celebration with family.

We are doing little bits of school here and there, and playing lots of games, and gardening a TINY bit… a little tiny bit of gardening takes up a LOT of time it seems!!  Next week I start back leading worship.  I’m not ready.  But I won’t stress about it, because if you followed the link above, you’ll know, I am giving up fear, moment by moment… I can do all things He has asked of me.

no baby yet

each night I am SURE it is THE night!!  After all, Bryan and I are doing OUR part to help it happen!!  I just say I have a happy husband right now… sorry… TMI? 🙂

My back continues to ache and hurt, but after to chiro visits, I’m waiting until after the baby comes.  I’m obsessive over getting the dishes done and keeping the floor picked up.  The kids don’t know what’s up!!

The problem is, if the laundry is all caught up, then the baby doesn’t come, and then its not caught up again! and I dusted, and now it is dusty again… ??!?!?

This whole waiting game has given MANY opportunities for conversations about birthing with the kids.  Keenan has had far FAR too much time to come up with detailed questions… not settling for anything but detailed answers… sigh.

Thaddeus asked me this morning,” Mom do you wish you were a boy so you didn’t have to have pain?  Then you could just do Civil War and basketball and go hunting”.  Right.  I told him I’d MUCH rather have a baby than go to war, and I could do the other two things as well as have a baby!! 🙂

Here is my theme verse for the month… maybe the year… or the whole of my parenting life maybe?

James 1:20  “The anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.”

and

James 2: 12-13  “So speak and so act as those who are to be judged by the law of liberty.  For judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy;  mercy triumphs over judgment.”

Come on contractions!!!   I’m READY!!  have a good rest of your week…

To Live Is Christ

Please watch this…

rescheduling… finding the balance

I find it quite absurd that I’m making new schedules and new curriculum for Thad and activity plans for Shand when come the April I’ll probably throw it all away after I die trying to do it.

Until then… oh yeah… the schedules and plans and routines are rocking in a laid-back, take-the-day-as-it-comes way.  Most days.

OK.  Some days.

Once again.  Finding the Balance.

I was singing to Jesus in the car my own little made up song.  It went something like this.

I’ve tried schedules and new shelves

I’ve tried internet and self help guides

I’ve tried chocolate and too much coffee

But only You can satisfy.

Only You are what I need.

THAT is why I don’t write songs! 🙂  But when you are singing to Him in the car, rhyming and rhythmic meter doesn’t matter.  The words work only in the context of my life.  I just thought it was rather humorous, so thought I’d share.

You TOO can write your own songs to Jesus!! 🙂

Leading worship, Prayer rooms, and …

Warning:  Ramble ahead…

I am supposed to be putting together a worship set for our gathering tomorrow evening… I’m so distracted and unmotivated.  I want to gather… and I want to worship… And I want to pray… but I’m so not interested in this planning part.

Planning is necessary, at least to some extent.  But I think I need a sabbatical.  No planning.  Just time to worship and dig in with no agenda other than getting with God.

So, maybe that is REALLY what my planning sessions should look like.  Worshiping.  Digging into the Word with God. Worshiping. Praying. Worshiping.  And out of that will come  some vague or not-so-vague outline of our music set.

That is pretty much what happens anyway, I just feel guilty about not planning like the worship-leader books, that I don’t read anyway, tell me to do.  I’m worn with planning.  What is the balance here?

How I pray that God will send someone to lead the worship at Souljourn… or rejuvenate my spirit…

so the title of this post: Prayer Rooms… this is where I want to be.  God has given ‘the boys’ clear direction on WHERE it should be… which narrows the search a lot.  Now we wait for the space and the resources and the partners to come alongside us so we can open this for Anchorage.

It cracks me up that our tiny church of 20 – 30 mostly college students or military (moving!) has been given a vision of a 24-7 prayer room.  So not practical and feasible.  So God.

The first Tuesday of every month in our house church is centered on prayer.  This last week was great.

I feel like God has been relatively silent in my life lately.  Could be I’m not hearing.  Could be there is a barrier.  Could be He is silent.  What I realized though, is that it’s fine… because just because He is silent, I will not stop seeking and pursuing.  So if there is a barrier or sin or I’m not listening… there’s bound to be a breakthrough at some point.  And if He is silent, when He does speak, I’ll be listening and ready.